8 lbs. Worth It

After we had been married for almost a year, together for 8 years we decided we were ready to start a family.  We planned to get pregnant in the summer to be due in the Spring.  It would be perfect.  I would have maternity leave then have summer break right after.  We assumed it would happen just as planned.  It didn't.  At all.  After almost a year, we were seeing Dr. Y, a reproductive endocrinologist.  When we got our first positive pregnancy test we were so excited!  That pregnancy was not meant to be, and ended in an ectopic.  Dr. Y suggested that I have an HSG.  If anyone ever tells you that you need an HSG, politely say "No thank you" and walk the other way!  What is an HSG you ask?  It is when you have a catheter shoved up your Va-Jay to insert this fun dye.  The doctor then takes x-rays to make sure that all of your piping is open and clear.  What I didn't know ahead of time, was that my uterus would have a hissy fit and cramp up like nothing I'd ever felt before...and not uncramp for several minutes.  Ouch, ouch, and more ouch.  One of my fallopian tubes had a blockage, so the next thing on the agenda was laparoscopy.  Surgery where 3 small incisions were made so that Dr. Y could look inside my uterus and fallopian tubes to see what the blockage was and if there was any endometriosis or anything else that may be preventing me from getting pregnant.  I was at least put to sleep for this procedure and honestly thought the HSG was worse.  (The lap ended up showing that everything was open and looked great.  It was Oct. 2008 and we got our next positive Dec. 2009)

I remember waking up right after the surgery.  I remember being half out of it and the nurse trying to get me to pull up the very fashionable mesh undies that they put on me after surgery.  They had slathered gunk on my eyes and I felt too groggy to open them anyway.  In the recovery area the nurse talked to me and I don't remember half of what she said.  I remember she rubbed my arm.  I remember she got me a warm blanket and laid it on my stomach, which felt wonderful.  When I finally was half-awake, she said to me, "I hope this is worth it.  I hope it's 8 lbs. worth it."  I could hear the smile on her face.  It was the sweetest thing she could have said to me.  I don't even think I said anything back.  I think I just smiled.  I wish I knew who she was.  I'd like to tell her that it was worth it.  That the pain from the HSG, the laparoscopy, the IUIs (including the egg retrieval I was AWAKE for during one), the injections, the emotional pain from the ectopic...it was all so worth it.

Did the timing work out like we planned?  No.  Was it easy?  Absolutely not.  Did our plan turn out perfect?  Yes, because YOU, Caleb, are perfect.

We're Growing!

And Growing, and growing, and growing!

We'll be meeting you in about 98 days!  Keep growing strong!

I love you,
Mama

Your Room....

Dear Caleb,
We have had so much fun getting your room all prepared for you.  We have most of the big stuff already set up.  I dreamed of what your room would look like for the past 2+ years.  I knew I wanted a cow theme.  I knew I wanted furniture that could grow with you.  I knew I wanted a glider to rock you to sleep in.  I knew all of these things before I was even expecting you.  I didn't know how much my heart would swell just walking in to the nursery.  I didn't know how much I would enjoy rocking in the glider and imagining myself holding you.  I didn't know that the room would turn out even more beautiful than I ever could have imagined it. 

I love you sweet boy,
Mama

Halfway There!

Dear Caleb,

I still can't believe you're actually here.  And by here I mean growing inside me.  I will be meeting you in about 19 weeks.  Looking at your precious face,  holding your warm, snugly body.  I already dream about that moment.  I feel so blessed to have been chosen to be your mother.

I love you already sweet boy,
Mama

Come Together

Dear Baby,

I was so excited to find this video on Dr. Yalcinkaya's website:  http://www2.wfubmc.edu/ivf/Clinic+News/

The one titled "Having a Baby."  Dr. Yalcinkaya hadn't told us we would get to choose a song to be played while you were being created in a lab.  How cool!  It was exciting to know we'd get to feel like we were a small part of that process, since we won't even be in the room, or possibly even the building.  Aunt Danielle suggested, "Let's Get It On."  I wasn't sure that was exactly the right choice.  Thanks anyway, Danielle!

So we then moved onto Beatles songs, naturally.  Your grandpa suggested, "Come Together."  We all laughed and thought it was a pretty good idea.  On the way to work this morning, it was the first song your Daddy heard on the radio.  He thinks it's a sign.  So "Come Together" it is. 

I'm sure one day you will find all of this pretty laughable. 

Love You,
Mommy

Shooting Stars and a Baby Named Jade

Dear Baby,

I used to believe in signs.  I used to look for them.  Then, I guess I just got bitter about it.  In fact, on the way home from Jett's first birthday party, which was bittersweet for me, a solid white dove flew right in front of our car.  We both saw it and it just made me angry honestly.  I didn't want to believe in signs anymore.  I wanted you instead of signs that I should just continue to be patient and wait for you.  I've seen more rainbows in the past year and a half then I've seen in all the years before combined, including about 4 or 5 double rainbows (which I used to say meant twins).  I found the first four-leaf clover I've ever found a few months ago.  I knew I would one day when I opened the car door and saw a patch of them.  I just knew.  It was the second one I touched and is now on my fridge.  I still wasn't completely convinced that I should see all of this as signs.

Then last week, your Daddy and I were driving to work one morning and your Daddy said, "Did you see that?  There was a shooting star!"  I missed it and was so disappointed!  I'd NEVER seen a shooting star!  The next morning, we were riding together again and in just about the same spot....another shooting star!  This time we both saw it.  It was a sign.  Shooting stars two days in a row?  Coincidence?  I'm thinking not.

As if that wasn't enough, God sent us another sign and this time I just knew it was a sign.  We had a HUGE yard sale this weekend to raise money for IVF.  It was a big success and hopefully will help us bring you into this world.  As the yard sale was winding down Saturday, a young, friendly hispanic couple came in with a carseat covered with a blanket.  The husband had come by earlier and bought a pack n play, a mobile, and a TV.  The proud new parents uncovered their baby girl.  20 days old and absolutely beautiful!  She had a thick headful of black hair, chubby cheeks, and a perfect little mouth.  We were complimenting them on how gorgeous she is, and then your Daddy asked what her name was.  Their response?  "Jade."  I couldn't believe it.  "That's my name!" I told them.  I told them what a beautiful name it was.  ;)  I never hear my name.  I think I've met maybe 5 people in my life with the name Jade. 

While the couple was shopping for baby clothes, we told them why we were having the yard sale, and the father went and picked up his baby girl and brought her to me.  I knew that he meant this to be comforting.  Unless you've gone through infertility, you just can't imagine what it is like to hold a newborn baby in your arms and look down at their sweet little face and snuggly body and be happy for their parents but feel your heartstrings just pull.  But this time was different.  For the first time in probably 2 years, I was able to hold this perfect little baby in my arms and just enjoy her completely.  Enjoy feeling her warm, snuggly little body.  Enjoy her noises.  Enjoy her cute little expressions.  Enjoy feeling her thick head of hair.  It was different then every experience I've had holding a baby in the past couple of years.  I knew it was a sign.  It was comforting.  It was a sign that we too we will be proud parents showing off our son or daughter one day.  It was a sign to have faith and to know that yes, God does send us signs if we are keeping our eyes and heart open to them.

I love you so much,
Mommy

A Little Longer...

Dear Baby,

A few days ago I was having such a hard day. I knew that another month was going to go by without me becoming a mother. Days like that are hard. More then just hard...they are heartbreaking. I can't explain how it feels to know that yet again, we were not successful in creating you. To know that we will feel empty at least one more long month.

I happened to flip to a page in a magazine with this quote:

"Sometimes it seems as if other people have all the luck-like somehow they've got what it takes to make dreams happen, and you don't. But you have the very same magic they have: hope and hard work! Whatever you want in life can happen. Some dreams just take a little longer to unfold than others, that's all!"

So, sweet one, I picked up the pieces and put them back together. I am going forth with hope and strength and faith. I am praying that this dream only takes a little longer. I am consciencely making the effort to keep my thoughts positive (some days that is easier said then done). I love you already.

Love,
Mommy

Praying for You...

Dear Baby,

I just thought I would let you know that your Daddy and I are not the only ones praying for you. There are friends and family praying for you also. In fact, there are friends that I've never even met in person (and probably never will) praying for you.

When we first decided that we were ready for two to become three, and start our family, there were friends that decided that they were ready to start or expand their families also. We thought it would be so exciting to all share in the joys of pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood together. Things did not go as planned. It makes me sad sometimes that so many of my friends will have children 1, 2, and possibly 3 years older then you. But I've decided to readjust my thinking on this. You may not be in the same developmental stage as Jett and Gracie (and other little friends) but that will be okay. Rather then experiencing the same things as your friends, you will have friends to show you the ropes and look out for you. And rather then going through pregnancy WITH my friends, I will have friends to tell me what to expect next and offer me advice. I love you already and so do so many other people that are also patiently waiting for you.



Love,
Mommy

Yes I Do...

Dear Baby,

A couple of weeks ago, an adorable student of mine with curly Q's pulled back in a ponytail asked me during lunch, "Do you have any children?"

I tried to change the subject by responding, "No. I have a dog and two cats."

I thought I was pretty clever. Surely she would take the bait and ask me my furry babies' names and colors. She seemed happy with my response. Her even curlier Qed (and equally as adorable) friend sitting on my other side was not. "Mrs. McDonald, don't you want a baby?"

Me: "Yes. Someday."

Her: "Does Mr. McDonald want a baby?"

Me: "Yes. Someday."

Sigh. Yes. Someday. And hopefully someday soon. Baby M, we are ready for you whenever you are ready for us. I frequently wear a necklace that has "Believe in Miracles" engraved in it. Somedays it is easier for me to believe in miracles then others. I hope someday soon believing in miracles will turn into experiencing miracles. Until then, just know that Yes I Do want you. More then I want air.

Love,
Mommy

When?

Dear Baby,

Some days I feel like we will be parents "soon." That our days of dreaming of you and imagining you existing will become days of you actually existing. Some days I think that this journey can't last much longer and that surely we will be blessed soon. That God will answer our prayers and bring you to us.

Other days, I wonder if you will ever come to be. If I will ever be lucky enough to hold you in my arms and feel my heart swell with love for you. It's hard for me to even imagine feeling that kind of joy most days.

This journey so far has been tough. It's been a roller coaster and often feels like there are more downs then ups. There have been positive things to come out of this journey though. I feel like it has strengthened my marriage, rather then weaken it. I pray more often. And I know that once the ride is "over" I'll be getting on a new ride and this one will really seem all the more worth it. I know that once dreaming of you becomes holding you, that moment will mean so much more to me than it would have if this journey hadn't been so tough. So while I am now in the midst of heartache, I hope that someday I will truly appreciate this journey, for the ups and the downs. I read once, from someone that went through infertility, that infertility did not define them, but that it would always be a part of them because it was what led them to their daughter. I hope I am able to feel that way someday.

Love,
Mommy