Praying for You...

Dear Baby,

I just thought I would let you know that your Daddy and I are not the only ones praying for you. There are friends and family praying for you also. In fact, there are friends that I've never even met in person (and probably never will) praying for you.

When we first decided that we were ready for two to become three, and start our family, there were friends that decided that they were ready to start or expand their families also. We thought it would be so exciting to all share in the joys of pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood together. Things did not go as planned. It makes me sad sometimes that so many of my friends will have children 1, 2, and possibly 3 years older then you. But I've decided to readjust my thinking on this. You may not be in the same developmental stage as Jett and Gracie (and other little friends) but that will be okay. Rather then experiencing the same things as your friends, you will have friends to show you the ropes and look out for you. And rather then going through pregnancy WITH my friends, I will have friends to tell me what to expect next and offer me advice. I love you already and so do so many other people that are also patiently waiting for you.



Love,
Mommy

Yes I Do...

Dear Baby,

A couple of weeks ago, an adorable student of mine with curly Q's pulled back in a ponytail asked me during lunch, "Do you have any children?"

I tried to change the subject by responding, "No. I have a dog and two cats."

I thought I was pretty clever. Surely she would take the bait and ask me my furry babies' names and colors. She seemed happy with my response. Her even curlier Qed (and equally as adorable) friend sitting on my other side was not. "Mrs. McDonald, don't you want a baby?"

Me: "Yes. Someday."

Her: "Does Mr. McDonald want a baby?"

Me: "Yes. Someday."

Sigh. Yes. Someday. And hopefully someday soon. Baby M, we are ready for you whenever you are ready for us. I frequently wear a necklace that has "Believe in Miracles" engraved in it. Somedays it is easier for me to believe in miracles then others. I hope someday soon believing in miracles will turn into experiencing miracles. Until then, just know that Yes I Do want you. More then I want air.

Love,
Mommy

When?

Dear Baby,

Some days I feel like we will be parents "soon." That our days of dreaming of you and imagining you existing will become days of you actually existing. Some days I think that this journey can't last much longer and that surely we will be blessed soon. That God will answer our prayers and bring you to us.

Other days, I wonder if you will ever come to be. If I will ever be lucky enough to hold you in my arms and feel my heart swell with love for you. It's hard for me to even imagine feeling that kind of joy most days.

This journey so far has been tough. It's been a roller coaster and often feels like there are more downs then ups. There have been positive things to come out of this journey though. I feel like it has strengthened my marriage, rather then weaken it. I pray more often. And I know that once the ride is "over" I'll be getting on a new ride and this one will really seem all the more worth it. I know that once dreaming of you becomes holding you, that moment will mean so much more to me than it would have if this journey hadn't been so tough. So while I am now in the midst of heartache, I hope that someday I will truly appreciate this journey, for the ups and the downs. I read once, from someone that went through infertility, that infertility did not define them, but that it would always be a part of them because it was what led them to their daughter. I hope I am able to feel that way someday.

Love,
Mommy