Shooting Stars and a Baby Named Jade

Dear Baby,

I used to believe in signs.  I used to look for them.  Then, I guess I just got bitter about it.  In fact, on the way home from Jett's first birthday party, which was bittersweet for me, a solid white dove flew right in front of our car.  We both saw it and it just made me angry honestly.  I didn't want to believe in signs anymore.  I wanted you instead of signs that I should just continue to be patient and wait for you.  I've seen more rainbows in the past year and a half then I've seen in all the years before combined, including about 4 or 5 double rainbows (which I used to say meant twins).  I found the first four-leaf clover I've ever found a few months ago.  I knew I would one day when I opened the car door and saw a patch of them.  I just knew.  It was the second one I touched and is now on my fridge.  I still wasn't completely convinced that I should see all of this as signs.

Then last week, your Daddy and I were driving to work one morning and your Daddy said, "Did you see that?  There was a shooting star!"  I missed it and was so disappointed!  I'd NEVER seen a shooting star!  The next morning, we were riding together again and in just about the same spot....another shooting star!  This time we both saw it.  It was a sign.  Shooting stars two days in a row?  Coincidence?  I'm thinking not.

As if that wasn't enough, God sent us another sign and this time I just knew it was a sign.  We had a HUGE yard sale this weekend to raise money for IVF.  It was a big success and hopefully will help us bring you into this world.  As the yard sale was winding down Saturday, a young, friendly hispanic couple came in with a carseat covered with a blanket.  The husband had come by earlier and bought a pack n play, a mobile, and a TV.  The proud new parents uncovered their baby girl.  20 days old and absolutely beautiful!  She had a thick headful of black hair, chubby cheeks, and a perfect little mouth.  We were complimenting them on how gorgeous she is, and then your Daddy asked what her name was.  Their response?  "Jade."  I couldn't believe it.  "That's my name!" I told them.  I told them what a beautiful name it was.  ;)  I never hear my name.  I think I've met maybe 5 people in my life with the name Jade. 

While the couple was shopping for baby clothes, we told them why we were having the yard sale, and the father went and picked up his baby girl and brought her to me.  I knew that he meant this to be comforting.  Unless you've gone through infertility, you just can't imagine what it is like to hold a newborn baby in your arms and look down at their sweet little face and snuggly body and be happy for their parents but feel your heartstrings just pull.  But this time was different.  For the first time in probably 2 years, I was able to hold this perfect little baby in my arms and just enjoy her completely.  Enjoy feeling her warm, snuggly little body.  Enjoy her noises.  Enjoy her cute little expressions.  Enjoy feeling her thick head of hair.  It was different then every experience I've had holding a baby in the past couple of years.  I knew it was a sign.  It was comforting.  It was a sign that we too we will be proud parents showing off our son or daughter one day.  It was a sign to have faith and to know that yes, God does send us signs if we are keeping our eyes and heart open to them.

I love you so much,
Mommy

A Little Longer...

Dear Baby,

A few days ago I was having such a hard day. I knew that another month was going to go by without me becoming a mother. Days like that are hard. More then just hard...they are heartbreaking. I can't explain how it feels to know that yet again, we were not successful in creating you. To know that we will feel empty at least one more long month.

I happened to flip to a page in a magazine with this quote:

"Sometimes it seems as if other people have all the luck-like somehow they've got what it takes to make dreams happen, and you don't. But you have the very same magic they have: hope and hard work! Whatever you want in life can happen. Some dreams just take a little longer to unfold than others, that's all!"

So, sweet one, I picked up the pieces and put them back together. I am going forth with hope and strength and faith. I am praying that this dream only takes a little longer. I am consciencely making the effort to keep my thoughts positive (some days that is easier said then done). I love you already.

Love,
Mommy