Your Room....

Dear Caleb,
We have had so much fun getting your room all prepared for you.  We have most of the big stuff already set up.  I dreamed of what your room would look like for the past 2+ years.  I knew I wanted a cow theme.  I knew I wanted furniture that could grow with you.  I knew I wanted a glider to rock you to sleep in.  I knew all of these things before I was even expecting you.  I didn't know how much my heart would swell just walking in to the nursery.  I didn't know how much I would enjoy rocking in the glider and imagining myself holding you.  I didn't know that the room would turn out even more beautiful than I ever could have imagined it. 

I love you sweet boy,
Mama

Halfway There!

Dear Caleb,

I still can't believe you're actually here.  And by here I mean growing inside me.  I will be meeting you in about 19 weeks.  Looking at your precious face,  holding your warm, snugly body.  I already dream about that moment.  I feel so blessed to have been chosen to be your mother.

I love you already sweet boy,
Mama

Come Together

Dear Baby,

I was so excited to find this video on Dr. Yalcinkaya's website:  http://www2.wfubmc.edu/ivf/Clinic+News/

The one titled "Having a Baby."  Dr. Yalcinkaya hadn't told us we would get to choose a song to be played while you were being created in a lab.  How cool!  It was exciting to know we'd get to feel like we were a small part of that process, since we won't even be in the room, or possibly even the building.  Aunt Danielle suggested, "Let's Get It On."  I wasn't sure that was exactly the right choice.  Thanks anyway, Danielle!

So we then moved onto Beatles songs, naturally.  Your grandpa suggested, "Come Together."  We all laughed and thought it was a pretty good idea.  On the way to work this morning, it was the first song your Daddy heard on the radio.  He thinks it's a sign.  So "Come Together" it is. 

I'm sure one day you will find all of this pretty laughable. 

Love You,
Mommy

Shooting Stars and a Baby Named Jade

Dear Baby,

I used to believe in signs.  I used to look for them.  Then, I guess I just got bitter about it.  In fact, on the way home from Jett's first birthday party, which was bittersweet for me, a solid white dove flew right in front of our car.  We both saw it and it just made me angry honestly.  I didn't want to believe in signs anymore.  I wanted you instead of signs that I should just continue to be patient and wait for you.  I've seen more rainbows in the past year and a half then I've seen in all the years before combined, including about 4 or 5 double rainbows (which I used to say meant twins).  I found the first four-leaf clover I've ever found a few months ago.  I knew I would one day when I opened the car door and saw a patch of them.  I just knew.  It was the second one I touched and is now on my fridge.  I still wasn't completely convinced that I should see all of this as signs.

Then last week, your Daddy and I were driving to work one morning and your Daddy said, "Did you see that?  There was a shooting star!"  I missed it and was so disappointed!  I'd NEVER seen a shooting star!  The next morning, we were riding together again and in just about the same spot....another shooting star!  This time we both saw it.  It was a sign.  Shooting stars two days in a row?  Coincidence?  I'm thinking not.

As if that wasn't enough, God sent us another sign and this time I just knew it was a sign.  We had a HUGE yard sale this weekend to raise money for IVF.  It was a big success and hopefully will help us bring you into this world.  As the yard sale was winding down Saturday, a young, friendly hispanic couple came in with a carseat covered with a blanket.  The husband had come by earlier and bought a pack n play, a mobile, and a TV.  The proud new parents uncovered their baby girl.  20 days old and absolutely beautiful!  She had a thick headful of black hair, chubby cheeks, and a perfect little mouth.  We were complimenting them on how gorgeous she is, and then your Daddy asked what her name was.  Their response?  "Jade."  I couldn't believe it.  "That's my name!" I told them.  I told them what a beautiful name it was.  ;)  I never hear my name.  I think I've met maybe 5 people in my life with the name Jade. 

While the couple was shopping for baby clothes, we told them why we were having the yard sale, and the father went and picked up his baby girl and brought her to me.  I knew that he meant this to be comforting.  Unless you've gone through infertility, you just can't imagine what it is like to hold a newborn baby in your arms and look down at their sweet little face and snuggly body and be happy for their parents but feel your heartstrings just pull.  But this time was different.  For the first time in probably 2 years, I was able to hold this perfect little baby in my arms and just enjoy her completely.  Enjoy feeling her warm, snuggly little body.  Enjoy her noises.  Enjoy her cute little expressions.  Enjoy feeling her thick head of hair.  It was different then every experience I've had holding a baby in the past couple of years.  I knew it was a sign.  It was comforting.  It was a sign that we too we will be proud parents showing off our son or daughter one day.  It was a sign to have faith and to know that yes, God does send us signs if we are keeping our eyes and heart open to them.

I love you so much,
Mommy

A Little Longer...

Dear Baby,

A few days ago I was having such a hard day. I knew that another month was going to go by without me becoming a mother. Days like that are hard. More then just hard...they are heartbreaking. I can't explain how it feels to know that yet again, we were not successful in creating you. To know that we will feel empty at least one more long month.

I happened to flip to a page in a magazine with this quote:

"Sometimes it seems as if other people have all the luck-like somehow they've got what it takes to make dreams happen, and you don't. But you have the very same magic they have: hope and hard work! Whatever you want in life can happen. Some dreams just take a little longer to unfold than others, that's all!"

So, sweet one, I picked up the pieces and put them back together. I am going forth with hope and strength and faith. I am praying that this dream only takes a little longer. I am consciencely making the effort to keep my thoughts positive (some days that is easier said then done). I love you already.

Love,
Mommy

Praying for You...

Dear Baby,

I just thought I would let you know that your Daddy and I are not the only ones praying for you. There are friends and family praying for you also. In fact, there are friends that I've never even met in person (and probably never will) praying for you.

When we first decided that we were ready for two to become three, and start our family, there were friends that decided that they were ready to start or expand their families also. We thought it would be so exciting to all share in the joys of pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood together. Things did not go as planned. It makes me sad sometimes that so many of my friends will have children 1, 2, and possibly 3 years older then you. But I've decided to readjust my thinking on this. You may not be in the same developmental stage as Jett and Gracie (and other little friends) but that will be okay. Rather then experiencing the same things as your friends, you will have friends to show you the ropes and look out for you. And rather then going through pregnancy WITH my friends, I will have friends to tell me what to expect next and offer me advice. I love you already and so do so many other people that are also patiently waiting for you.



Love,
Mommy

Yes I Do...

Dear Baby,

A couple of weeks ago, an adorable student of mine with curly Q's pulled back in a ponytail asked me during lunch, "Do you have any children?"

I tried to change the subject by responding, "No. I have a dog and two cats."

I thought I was pretty clever. Surely she would take the bait and ask me my furry babies' names and colors. She seemed happy with my response. Her even curlier Qed (and equally as adorable) friend sitting on my other side was not. "Mrs. McDonald, don't you want a baby?"

Me: "Yes. Someday."

Her: "Does Mr. McDonald want a baby?"

Me: "Yes. Someday."

Sigh. Yes. Someday. And hopefully someday soon. Baby M, we are ready for you whenever you are ready for us. I frequently wear a necklace that has "Believe in Miracles" engraved in it. Somedays it is easier for me to believe in miracles then others. I hope someday soon believing in miracles will turn into experiencing miracles. Until then, just know that Yes I Do want you. More then I want air.

Love,
Mommy

When?

Dear Baby,

Some days I feel like we will be parents "soon." That our days of dreaming of you and imagining you existing will become days of you actually existing. Some days I think that this journey can't last much longer and that surely we will be blessed soon. That God will answer our prayers and bring you to us.

Other days, I wonder if you will ever come to be. If I will ever be lucky enough to hold you in my arms and feel my heart swell with love for you. It's hard for me to even imagine feeling that kind of joy most days.

This journey so far has been tough. It's been a roller coaster and often feels like there are more downs then ups. There have been positive things to come out of this journey though. I feel like it has strengthened my marriage, rather then weaken it. I pray more often. And I know that once the ride is "over" I'll be getting on a new ride and this one will really seem all the more worth it. I know that once dreaming of you becomes holding you, that moment will mean so much more to me than it would have if this journey hadn't been so tough. So while I am now in the midst of heartache, I hope that someday I will truly appreciate this journey, for the ups and the downs. I read once, from someone that went through infertility, that infertility did not define them, but that it would always be a part of them because it was what led them to their daughter. I hope I am able to feel that way someday.

Love,
Mommy

Pink or Blue?

Dear Baby,

I always knew that I would have to find out what I was having once I got pregnant. I knew I'd want to buy pink dresses or little boy sneakers and decorate the room in pink or blue. I'd just HAVE to know!

After we had been trying for about a year I started thinking about how much fun it would be to be surprised by your gender (a very new idea for me). I found the cow nursery that I love so much and am already buying stuff for that was gender neutral. I imagined the moment you are born and I hear "It's a boy!" or "It's a girl!" It was a fun moment to dream about. I thought about how short those nine months really are. Now, nine months sounds even shorter. After trying for and dreaming about you for over two years so far, I know that those nine months will just breeze by! Your daddy and I had talked about how we would want to know. He 100% agreed with me that he would want to know. I didn't tell him I'd been thinking about not finding out your gender. Then an amazing thing happened. One day we were riding in the car and your daddy said, "I think it would be fun to not know! That would be such a big surprise!" I was ecstatic.

So, the plan is to be surprised. To wonder and dream the whole nine months that you are growing inside me if you are a girl or a boy. To decorate the nursery in a gender neutral theme and buy mostly gender neutral stuff until you are born. To come up with a boy name and a girl name. I hope we don't cave once I'm actually pregnant and find out. It would be like peeking into a present before Christmas, which I have NEVER done by the way. I always loved the surprise and never wanted to know what I was getting ahead of time and didn't understand when friends would snoop before Christmas. So I hope I can keep the present closed, with bow in tact!

To be honest, in the beginning I REALLY wanted a little girl. I only have a sister and all girl cousins. I just felt like I wouldn't know what to do with a boy. Plus, I loved the idea of dressing a little girl up and having a future shopping and pedicure buddy. As time has gone on though, I think that a boy would be a lot of fun too. After all, what little boy wouldn't love to have a firefighter as a Daddy? After three years of teaching, I have more of an appreciation and understanding for little boys. Also, your Grandpa (or whatever you will call him, haha) only had girls, so I'm sure he would LOVE a grandson to play with. I am now very comfortable with the idea of having a son or a daughter. Which makes the surprise idea even more fun. It's like opening a present that you know you are going to love no matter what it is! Have I mentioned I already love you? ;)

Love,
Mommy

I Udderly Love You!

Dear Baby,

I have a confession. When I bought this book a week ago, I didn't even know what it said. I hadn't read it, didn't bother reading anyone's comments about it on barnesandnoble.com. I just saw the adorable brown cows and HAD to have it! I have become slightly cow obsessed when it comes to baby stuff now. Brown cows in particular. I clicked "add to basket" without a second thought. When this book came in the mail this week, I tore open the box. To my delight, the brown spots on the cover, as well as the noses, are fuzzy! How much fun is that?! I read the book and just fell in love with it! It is from a Momma Cow to a Baby Cow and is all about how she loves the baby no matter what. It is simple and sweet. I read it aloud to your Daddy today and he liked it too.

I can't wait until you are here so I can read it to you. I udderly love you my dear!

Love,
Mommy